is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
