fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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