respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
