Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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