The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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