This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
