Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
