singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
