Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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