Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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