Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
