thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
