your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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