I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
