It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
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You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
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I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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