I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
