dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
