I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
