Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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