I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
