one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize