How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
