My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
