Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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