i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
