Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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