god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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