Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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