He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
