Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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