The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
