im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
