I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
