just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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