just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
