I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
