I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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