i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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