A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
