like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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