At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
