I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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