If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
