I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
