On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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