Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
