i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
