Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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