Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
