Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
