I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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