she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
