I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
