I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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