Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
