i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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