none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
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