im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
