i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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