I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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