idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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