Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
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